Deep
by kirstencohen
Summary: Kirsten's battle with alcoholism when she returns from the hospital and it's effects on her family. Maybe a one shot. If you want more let me know


**Okay this might be just a one-shot. It's pretty long so it could be but i don't know.**

**Please please please review. Tell me if you want part 2 (not that i've written it yet but i might be able to)**

**Thanks to Michelle all the help. Here you go enjoy**

Kirsten lay in bed staring at the unfamiliar ceiling. The sheets hard and rough against her delicate skin. She shouldn't still be here. There was nothing wrong with her. She watched as two nurses busied about her and fussed over her. She didn't say anything. Refused to answer their mindless questions about how fluffed her pillows were and how much she must be looking forward to going home. She snorted at that. Why would she want to go home to the people who want to lock her away?

"Do you know how much you're hurting us? Seth? Ryan? Your dad?" Sandy repeated. He had asked her this numerous times as he tried to convince her to go into rehab, "What about me? Do you care about me anymore?"

"I don't need it. How many times do I have to tell you?" she closed her eyes and placed her head back on her lumpy hospital pillow, "I don't wanna talk about this anymore." Sandy sat back in his chair defeated. There was no getting through to her. He tried once more.

"Kirsten do you realise you're gonna be arrested for driving under the influence? You'll lose your license." Kirsten sighed. She was losing her license anyway. It's not like they'd happily hand it back to her after a few months in The Priory. She turned away from her husband's pleading gaze.

"I wanna go home." She stated simply.

Now she sat up in bed being checked again by the doctors. He studied the cut on her head and checked her vision. "You're all set Mrs Cohen." He looked down at the blonde sitting in front of him and then to her sons and her husband. None of them looked like they'd slept since the accident. He had tried to talk to her but she had point blank refused to listen. She'd stare off into space and nod at appropriate moments. When he was finished she'd say, "Thank you doctor. But I really don't need any help."

It was out of his hands. It was up to her family and the courts to make her see sense. He nodded and shook the three men's hands before exiting the room. Just as he got to the door he heard his name.

"Dr Ford?" He spun around to find Kirsten staring back at him. Her sunken features gaunt on her pale and drawn face stood out in the fluorescent lights of the hospital room.

"Yes Kirsten?"

"Thank you." He nodded curtly and walked out of the room knowing he would be seeing her again sometime soon whether it be in a straight jacket or a body bag.

Kirsten settled into her own bed drawing in the familiar salty smell that clung to the sheets no matter how many times she washed them. It was Sandy's scent. It soothed her as she clutched the sheets to her nose.

He helped her undress taking care not to put pressure on her sore ribs. Her right leg was bruised from the thigh to the knee. And her left knee was swollen to twice its size. As she climbed gingerly into the shower she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her hair was lank and dirty looking even though she just washed it that morning. Her eyes were circled purple and her cheekbones stuck out more than usual and her once dazzling blue eyes looked grey and lifeless. She was a walking zombie. She turned away in disgust and leaned into the hot jet.

Sandy had spoken to the doctor before they had left the hospital, "Doctor? May I speak with you?" Dr Ford turned to find a man jogging toward him. His messy hair draping his face.

"Yes. Mr Cohen I wanted to have a word before you left."

"Okay. It's just. I don't know what to do about her." He looked at his feet and sighed. Dr Ford watched him and could tell just by looking at him how much the man in front of him would do for his wife. He seemed like a good guy and he so badly wanted to do the right thing. Sandy continued, "If we stayed at home and kept her away from any sort of alcohol. What would happen?" Dr Ford nodded and began going through the list of possibilities,

"Well Mr Cohen. It depends on the person. Some people can go cold turkey and others need rehab. But I must recommend the clinic. Alcoholics are not advised to go through this unmedicated. It's very dangerous for your wife. She would go through a lot of pain, anxiety, palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath… It would be a difficult and painful experience for Kirsten and for you and your children. I'm sure you wouldn't want them to see her go through that. There's also the risk of seizures. The withdrawal of alcohol and no medication to ease the blow would be a massive shock to the system. And with no strict supervision there's every chance she could gain access to more alcohol and Mr Cohen there's no telling what damage that could do to Kirsten's liver." He paused watching Sandy's expression crumble slightly, "I know this is hard Mr Cohen but it's up to you to talk her round. If you need anybody to talk to I can recommend a therapist…"

"Thank you doctor. I'll… I'll… yeah thanks," Sandy walked away in shock. He felt sick thinking about what she was going to have to go through. She would never go to a clinic. She was too proud to admit she needed professional help.

"I can do this on my own." She would say.

On my own.

On her own.

Without him.

Kirsten was hunched over at the end of the bed retching into the basin. Sandy ran circles on the small of her back, "Come on baby. You're okay." Her stomach lurched one final time and she was done. He held a glass of water out to her but she shoved it away.

"No." she muttered, "Don't want…" She pulled her knees to her chest and curled into a ball, "Why are we doing this?" she whispered. Sandy frowned.

"We need to get you better. We need you back." He said softly. Kirsten sat up shakily and faced her husband. Her hands trembled as they clutched his larger steadier hands.

"I'm still here Sandy. I'm still Kirsten. Your wife I just… I just need a little. I don't do it all the time Sandy I promise I don't. I just need it. Just a little." She let the salty tears flow freely as she begged her husband. She brought her hands up behind his head and pressed her forehead onto his, "Please Sandy. Please." Sandy let out a small choked sob and he shook his head.

"I can't baby. I have to look after you. You don't need it. Just a few more days. You've already gone 3 days and you're doing great." He pulled her hands from his head into his own. "A few more days. We need you back. I love you too much to let you do this to yourself." Kirsten hung her head not trying to hide the tears. She clutched her stomach in attempt to ward off the pain but it didn't help.

"I can't do this, Sandy. It's too hard." He ran his fingers through her tangled hair and cupped her face.

"You can do it. You're the strongest person I know." He paused as she ducked her head again but he tipped her chin toward him, "Listen. You have to do this. For our kids. For me. You promised."

Kirsten woke in a daze. She heard a low rumble above her that she found to be Sandy. Her vision was blurry from sleep and the pain searing through her head. She felt him place the back of his hand against her burning forehead. He muttered something else but she couldn't make anything out. She shivered and pulled the covers closer to her delicate frame. As she tried to disappear under the duvet she felt Sandy tug the covers from her making her body quake uncontrollably with the cold. He dabbed her forehead with an ice pack and whispered in her ear. His words ran into one another as she pushed the ice pack away, "No. Too cold." She moaned groggily. He persisted in pressing the cold ice against her head. She heard random words being repeated above her.

_Fever._

_Make you feel better._

_Doing great._

_I love you._

She shivered again and pushed him away. "Stop. I'm too cold." Her voice was stronger now as she rejected her husband's aid. She could hear him more clearly now, "Come on baby. Here take this it'll lower your temperature." He held out two while pills, "It'll help. Just take them… thanks Seth." She watched as a younger version of her husband paused before exiting the room. She swallowed the two pills and gulped down some water. She pulled her duvet to her and tried to control her quaking body.

Sandy sighed as his wife pushed him away. "Leave me alone." She said in a low tone. He pushed his weary body from the bed and made his way down the stairs. He came to the patio relishing the cold breeze coming off the sea. He closed his eyes enjoying the calm. The quiet. It was refreshing to listen to the crashing waves in the distance. He sunk his hands in pockets; his eyes still closed, and listened. He had forgotten what it was like to have nothing but the sounds of the water and the birds flying above him. He opened his eyes to find Seth staring at him in the doorway of the pool house. They locked eyes for a moment before Seth turned and made his way into the main house head hung low.

Sandy entered the kitchen to find Seth at the table as though waiting on his father. "That's not my mom." He said firmly. Sandy sighed sadly.

"I know son but we're doing everything to her back." He continued as his son's gaze never faltering, "Just a little more time, Seth. I promise we'll get her back." Seth watched his father lower his tired body into the chair opposite him. Seth shook his head.

"Not good enough. I want her now." He knew he sounded like a child but he didn't care, "I just want my mom back." He said shakily as his face crumpled. Sandy was by his side in a second pulling his son into his arms.

"I know son. I know. I want her back too," he soothed as he rocked his son back and forth. As his sobs subsided Sandy felt him relax. His breathing slowed and he felt him pulling away. Sandy pushed Seth's dark curls from his swollen eyes and smiled, "We just have to be strong."

"I know. I'm sorry." He said as made to move from his seat but his father grabbed his arm.

"Remember I'm here. I know this is hard for you but… I'm here." Seth nodded and left the kitchen odd sniffs emitting randomly as he climbed the stairs. Sandy let out a deep breath and took his seat again at the table. He placed his head in his hands and closed his eyes again. He hadn't slept in days. He'd be up at night with Kirsten's stomach pains and nausea and whenever he could manage to sleep he couldn't last longer than five minutes before waking up to check on his wife. Eventually he'd given up and just lay and watched her sleep. Moonlight highlighting her hollow features. A ghost of the Kirsten he used to know. He waited till she writhed in pain. Her hands clutching her stomach. He'd pull her close and whisper encouraging words into her ear as her body went rigid in agony.

Remembering his wife he rose from his seat and walked resignedly up the stairs. As he entered the room the smell of vomit and sweat invaded his senses. He saw Kirsten on her side, eyes open. She didn't say anything as he pulled open the patio doors allowing some fresh air in. He emptied her basin and put away random things that hadn't been put back properly. When the room was a little more presentable he perched himself on the edge of the bed and smoothed Kirsten's tangled hair away from her sweaty forehead. "Wanna take a shower?" he asked softly. Kirsten laughed faintly and nodded. Sandy frowned at her amusement. She began croakily.

"I remember you used to ask me that. But it was never to actually get clean... it was the opposite in fact." Sandy smiled at the numerous occasions he would randomly jump into the shower with his wife or carry her slumbering figure from their bed into the shower before she woke up.

He helped Kirsten out of bed and to the bathroom. "What do you want? Bath? Or shower?" Kirsten paused as she thought about it.

"A bath would be great." She answered softly, her voice still scratchy from the vomiting. A few minutes later Sandy lifted her sticky t-shirt over her head and removed her pyjama bottoms carefully. As she lowered herself into the warm bubbles she felt her headache lift slightly. She relaxed her body and leaned back in the tub.

"Better?" he asked her smiling. As she nodded he felt a rush of excitement course through his body. She was finally on the way back up. He tried to ignore the small voice that told him it had only been a few days, "Want me to go?" he asked tightening his grip on her hand. He didn't want to leave her side. She shook her head.

"No. Just stay here with me," she said delicately. She placed her head on his hand and sighed, "Could you get me my water? It's on the dresser." As Sandy got up to leave she relished the warmth spreading across her body. She breathed in deeply and closed her eyes. She felt giddy in the steam but she didn't care. This was the most relaxed she had been in days. Weeks even. As she took the glass from her husband he settled next to her again. She sipped her water gently. The icy water a strangely cooling in comparison to the warm water surrounding her body. Sandy played with the bubbles on the surface of the water. Kirsten lifted her soapy hand to his face and pushed his cheek to face her. She stared at him briefly before planting a soft kiss on his lips, "Thank you." She said breathlessly wondering how she could have gone so long without craving his kiss.

An hour Kirsten felt the water begin to cool so she turned the hot tap on feeling the warmth curl it's way up her legs to her chest. She leaned back now positioned between her husband's legs and rested her head on his chest. Sandy placed his hands on her slender hips and kissed her soaked hair. They lay there just enjoying the closeness of their bodies. Never speaking. Never moving. Just lying there. It was Kirsten who moved first. She rose from the water and spun to face Sandy, "I love you."

"I love you too," he answered surprised at her sudden proclamation. She kissed him again before pulling away.

"I wanna go downstairs."

Sandy lay in the now freezing water and watched his wife wrap a fluffy towel to her shivering body. She exited the bathroom followed by Sandy in his dressing gown still dripping, "So what do you want for dinner?" he asked.

"Something light. Like a salad or some pasta. Not Thai anyway, " she laughed

"Okay. I'll think of something." He answered as he watched her comb the tangles out of her hair. He paused briefly before asking, "Uh honey? I'm gonna go have a word with the boys. Just to let them know you'll be down. Is that okay?" Kirsten stopped brushing her hair and nodded thinking how things had changed so much that she needed to announce when she'd be eating dinner with her family. Sandy disappeared down the stairs and out of sight. Kirsten combed the last few knots from her hair and pulled on her dressing gown. She stood up from her stool wringing her hands. She was doing so well but the need for just one sip was overwhelming. She pulled open her dresser and searched through the drawers.

As Sandy walked across the patio he caught a glimpse of Ryan in the pool house. He hadn't seen him much around the house for a few days. The last time he'd really spoken to him was the night before Kirsten came home.

_Sandy faced both boys preparing himself. "Ok guys. Your mother's coming home tomorrow so that means no alcohol in this house. If Kirsten's sober, we're sober. Got it?" Both boys nodded and got up from their seats. Sandy continued, "Every drop of wine, vodka, scotch… everything. Pour it down the sink and put the bottles into this bag," he instructed holding up a large black hefty bag. Seth was the first to ask._

_"What about the wine cellar. There's like a million bottles down there."_

_"Your grandfather's already dealt with that. It's been gone since your mom went into hospital. So come on. Check every drawer, every closet. Everywhere."_

_Sandy began in the bedroom. He found a total of five bottles in that room; two under the bed, one behind the tub in their bathroom and two stuffed in her drawers between her pyjamas. He was pleased to find none in the guest rooms or Seth's room. He went downstairs to find the boys dealing with the living room, kitchen and the patio._

_Seth had only managed to find three bottles in the entire downstairs area. Ryan ran over Seth's areas again knowing he wouldn't look in the less obvious places. There were bottles everywhere. In the plants on the patio, under the couch, behind the DVDs in the cabinet. Ryan eventually got Seth to start emptying the contents down the sink and Ryan continued in his search. When they finished no one said a word. Sandy took the bag and stuffed into their trashcan outside._

Sandy watched as Seth and Ryan played their video games wordlessly and went back up the stairs. He found his wife on her hands and knees in her closet. She was frantically pulling sweaters and t-shirts out of drawers, "There's nothing there." He said loudly. Kirsten jumped at the sound of his voice.

"I was just…"

"I know." He said firmly, "I know what you were doing and I'm telling you there's nothing. We got rid of it." Kirsten stared back open-mouthed wondering how much they had found. She knew it must have accumulated over the past few weeks but she was overcome with shame and guilt as her husband stared at her with disappointment.

"I'm sorry…" she began tearfully but Sandy knelt beside her and pressed his finger to her lips.

"I know baby. I knew you would try. That's why we did it. We need you to get better." She cried softly soothed by his words. He tipped her chin toward him and smiled, "You still up for dinner?"

Seth and Ryan watched wide-eyed as their mother entered the kitchen. She suggested to Sandy that it might be better if she spoke to them, "Mom?" Seth said incredulously.

"Hey baby," she said softly before turning to Ryan, "I'm sorry. About everything." Seth spoke again.

"Is it over?"

Kirsten closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I don't think so. I'm just… I'm having a good day. I might be back where I was tomorrow." Ryan nodded understanding. He knew the fight was far from over. He had gone through this enough times to know how it would go. Only this time he had faith. He saw the strength in her eyes, knew of her stubbornness and her willpower to beat it. He gleamed with pride when he thought of Kirsten beating this once and for all. He reached across the table and held her hand in his.

"We're here."

Kirsten climbed into bed exhausted. Dinner had been tough. Tonight it was Ryan who rambled sensing the urgency in the room. Seth was too nervous to talk and Sandy too tired. Ryan talked about Marissa and school. He even admitted he was thinking seriously of becoming an architect. Kirsten's head shot up at this, "Really? I knew you were thinking about it but you're seriously gonna go through with it? Like go to college?" Ryan nodded slightly.

"Uh yeah… it was just a thought you know."

"No sweetie I think that's great. I saw that bonfire. You could do it." Ryan smiled at her enthusiasm. He took it as a good sign. He went on talking trying to keep her mind off the fact that this was probably the first meal she had eaten without a glass of wine firmly placed in her right hand.

Kirsten pushed over to Sandy's side and breathed onto his neck, "Ryan's thinking about college." She said sleepily.

"I know baby. It's good he's thinking about his future." Kirsten nodded and smiled thinking of how good it was to finally get to know a little about her son. The next step was Seth. He was unusually, but understandably, quiet tonight. She'd have to try and get through to him. She didn't even know if Seth wanted to go to college never mind what he wanted to study. She had missed so much over the past few years. Too wrapped up in her own life to think about her family. She'd change. She'd do it. For them.

**Please R&R**


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